Elle n Belle, Limmatstrasse, Zurich

Elle’n’Belle holds an interesting promise, for single men with unusual high levels of testosterone – beautiful shes. The other claim might be harder to deal with – it’s a pure vegan establishment located in the Xtra Limmathaus near Limmatplatz. My stance on vegan is clear, I think it’s a misleading road to less diversity in the kitchen, but I am never one to pass up a culinary challenge.

Elle’n’Belle feels like a typical Kreis 5 place, an ecclectic mix of furniture but clean and well layed out. Unfortunately the “restaurant” is a self-service place, you order at the bar, take your drinks with you and your food is brought out to you. Second offputting thing is, that during lunch on a Saturday there are no menus (except a brunch plate), the only option is a Vegan Doner Kebab which you have to get next to the bar.

Now while queueing in line for a Doner Kebab is not my idea of a restaurant, age has brought me patience and inner calmness. Something I needed. If you’ve ever been to Newpoint you see how this is done. An efficient crew, working in a perfect union with a good rhythm will push out Kebab after Kebab, feeding people and keeping waiting time to a bare minimum. At Elle’n’Belle it takes 10 Minutes to push out six Vegan Kebabs with two people at the counter. Just seeing the girls trying to peel a Elle’n’Belle labelled sticker off the roll, to stick on the paper wrapping is painful to watch. Also being able to explain what Seitan is would certainly help. I’m not your friend in your home, I’m a paying customer looking for efficent service.

Back at the table I tuck into the Kebab and am interested to experience a Seitan Kebab with Vegan Yogurt sauce. Horrible. The imitation meat (Seitan, made by washing a wheat flour dough multiple times and then cooking it) is pure cardboard. The texture is tough and chewy, taste is bland. The Kebab is nowhere like the real thing, on a pure culinary level it’s a disgrace. Lots of people will defend this type of product, but it’s like the emperor’s new clothes and not worth trying. Another thing which raised some interesting thoughts, was the fact that the sauce was called a “Vegan Yoghurt Sauce”. Looking at the Swiss Food Laws would indicate that you can only call it Yoghurt if it’s made from milk and fermented with the right bacteria. Just like I don’t think McDonalds should be allowed to call itself a restaurant, this seems at least a grey area in terms of correct labelling.

As you can tell my lunch was a disaster on multiple levels. Not only did the food disappoint, the restaurant is an unprofessional affair. Just like my sisters used to play “cooking” on a make believe stove, this feels like some slightly older girls playing restaurant. No table-side service, no efficent system in place, horrible food all seem to indicate a large amount of naivety when it comes to professional gastronomy. If this place doesn’t get its act together soon, the only patrons left will be the hardcore vegan lovers who are accustomed to chastening themselves. Regular diners will not be impressed by lack-luster imitation of Kebabs.